2009-06-09 || 03:14a
Not wanting to be "that girl"
I remember last week was kind of a bad week for me. Jay Louis and I usually talk a couple times each week -- not every single day, more like every other day or something. One week we didn't talk for four days. I was a wreck.
I went first into sad mode Oh my goodness I miss him! to annoyed Why hasn't he called me? to angry Does he not want to talk to me anymore? If he doesn't he just needs to say so! I think though more than anything I was mad with myself for being mad. Like an idiot.
I don't want to be "that girl." The one who gets all butt hurt if he doesn't call. Who gets all emotional when she doesn't really have to. Normally i'd like to think of myself as calm, cool, collected and then suddenly you bring in a guy who I am head over heels for and look -- I become a version of "that girl."
He called and I was angry and he has this thing where he knows. I didn't say anything but he knew I wasn't myself. He joked, wondering if I thought he was talking to another girl. As much as I don't want to admit it, that's totally what I was thinking! He laughed. Then he assured me that there isn't anyone else. Still. That he only has eyes for me.
It was reassuring and sickeningly sweet at the same time. We do that. Well he does.
I'm trying hard to not be anything but calm, cool, collected. And when I see myself getting all weird I try to stop, Look, you're so not like this -- so quit this!
I'm working on it. I don't want to flip that switch when there really is no reason to do so.
After talking to him we were cool and I was fine. The funny thing is, I don't doubt anything. I don't doubt his feelings for him. I trust him and I have no idea where these insecurities come from.
Well, they probably come from that insecure place where you try really hard to keep it hidden. It's that place that could mess up even something so solid. I mean we don't have any problems (minus the language barriers and the distance) so there should be no need for something silly like those nagging insecurities.
And it's crap like that that leads me to become "that girl." The girl who I don't want to be.