Almost not surprising, it was time, because right when I think I've got my life on track something happens to mess it all up.

Joe wrote. And the strange thing is I didn't feel a thing. Which I'm equating that nothing feeling to progress. Some sort of progress. I guess any thing but feelings is a good feeling.

It's been four years since this whole mss has begun. Where am I four years later? No where. And the thing is, I'm not surprised by this and no longer does it bother me. No longer does it put me into a downward spiral of whatever-ness.

And then Jay Louis comes along and suddenly, my life feels better. Suddenly it feels as though all that nonsense I dealt with doesn't exist anymore. No longer confused as to whether or not he has feelings for me, Jay Louis does. Joe? Four years later and I'm still uncertain although I think I know what the answer is -- I'm just too afraid to say it.

In case you're wondering, no Joe doesn't know about Jay and I don't know if/when that bomb will be dropped. It'll be the last nail in this coffin of this non-existent, thing.

As much as I want to tell Joe about Jay, truth is, it's none of this business. And I would be lying if part of the reason was that if I tell Joe about Jay, then that's it. I don't want to ruin this thing I have with Jay and I don't want to start anything with Joe -- where I know I'll just be miserable. It will be one of those circumstances where the feelings aren't reciprocated. The feelings will never be reciprocated. I've come to terms with that and I think I have come to terms with that for some time now.

I am sick of loving Joe. Truth is, I've been feeling this way for some time now. I think I've never had the guts to admit it or at least have wanted to badly for it to work out. I've wanted him to come to his senses and discover, "She is the one for me!" which let's face it -- will never happen. Ever. And I think now is the time to let this go, I've held on to this for far too long and it's about time to just let it go.

It's about time that I find someone who is just as crazy for me as I am for him...and I think know have a really good feeling that I've found it in Jay.

I just hope I have the strength to do what I know is best for my heart.