So it's a break. I think. It must be. Or something like that.

He said we're treading water -- making a lot of movement but not going anywhere. The funny thing is, I've had that same thought for a while now. I've often wondered if this "thing" had outstayed its welcome. It has been almost three years, afterall.

And the sick thing about everything is that I should have put everything, everything, out on the table and I didn't. He gave me a chance to, but I didn't. I couldn't. I still can't.

Because as it is the lesson that I have learned that when you put everything out on the table, you can't take it back...and then you also have to live with what you've said and what you've decided for the rest of whenever.

I've pretty much said almost everything. I think I've spent so much time flirting around so many ideas, throwing them in the air, hoping that he'd catch some sort of idea -- that way, I wouldn't have to tell him anything. As it turns out though, for a smart guy...he's kinda dumb. Why doesn't he just get what I'm trying to tell him instead of make me tell him everything myself?! I'm such a chicken.

I think though (and I know I've said this numerous times) that if everything did end, for good this time, that I would be okay. That somehow I was just grateful to have had an experience like this, that I was able to yet again fall in love and was able to walk away virtually unscathed.

Then the other part of me says, What good is falling in love if the other person doesn't know? What good is a heart if you don't use it? What good is taking a risk if you don't get hurt?

Basically while I'm trying to prevent myself from getting hurt, I'm also preventing myself from living my life. So do I not fully live my life and just play it safe? Or do I put myself out on the line and say, "Here it is. Do what you will." at the risk of getting hurt?

And, if I'm not mistaken, I am due for a broken heart. Maybe it will jumpstart my writing again and maybe it'll cause me to feel something other than "numb" again.