I don't know if I ever mentioned Joe. I might have. I should have. I must have.
He and I have this on again/off again thing that we both seem to enjoy...and if not, we enjoy it enough to keep it up.
We talk to each other when it's convenient or when our schedules allow. When we feel like it. And it seems as though there are no hurt feelings as there should be, or maybe as there used to be. I used to hate being at his beckon call, but in the end realized that I was putting too much into something that wasn't sure whether or not to put a lot in to.
That doesn't make any sense.
But I guess I got used to him talking to me when his schedule fit. And rather than get upset about it, I turned it around where I'll write when I can instead of schedule my life around it. He can do it and now, so can I.
This must be round 27 for us or something and this time, this time I'm going to take a different direction.
I hope.
I'm going to work on just taking things as they are. No longer getting mad at him for not opening up to me, for not being him.
Sometimes I feel like we're Dharma and Greg. I'm all about dancing on the couch while he wants to sit in a chair with perfect posture. I'm all about reading Entertainment Weekly while he'll just have the Wall Street Journal...well not really, Times maybe.
I keep thinking about that time I was going to run after him. He was in the library and as he was walking out I thought to myself You should go and introduce yourself...say something to this guy before it's too late! It was the end of the semester and the school year and it meant that whatever was to be done had to be done then.
Of course I didn't go after him. I had no idea what to say and by the time I even mustered up any sort of coruage, he was gone. It was then that the emails began.
And I'm trying to not get attached to him, maybe like how I used to. This time we're just friends who started off with one person liking the other...or at least being attracted.
And it's not to say that I'm still not attracted to him. I just don't want to get attached to him. I don't want to give him the opportunity to break my heart.
I'm not pushing him away either. I'm just taking it as I should have, one day, one step, one moment, taking it all one at a time. I'm in no hurry, we talk as we please and we're getting to know each other well.
I'll be honest though...when I do get an email from him or when I hear his voice on the other end of the phone, it makes me smile. I love talking to him and I do miss him when we're not in communication.
God...it's too late to turn around now huh? I can't detach myself from someone who I previously so attached myself to.
It's a sickness I think.
And we're not together. We weren't together. And if we don't ever get together, I'm trying to prepare myself to be okay with all of that.
And honestly, I think I am. I mean we've come too far for me to not, right?
It's been about a year and a half since this all started. We're learning more about the other person and I'm finding myself more comfortable with him every time.
It's still work. He's loosening up a bit and that's nice. He's at a crossroads with his career and his life and I'm really relieved to see that even the most put together person has the ability to fall at the seams. He teases that I like to see him fail. The truth is (well some truth is) I do.
Not because I want to see him fail, but because I'm so sick of feeling like a slacker next to him. At twenty-three he already has a career and a life that's set up for him that he's put together nicely for himself. He's practically an adult.
His counterpart on the other hand is a twenty-two year old girl. Who still enjoys stumbling from the bar, who spends her money at anything that "sounded like a good idea at the time." She would rather have a job than a career, has no idea where she'll be next year and yet is loving every, single moment of this.
It's not like I'm trying to turn him in to me or me in to him. I think we just balance each other out nicely...and at times maybe not as nicely. I'm not into politics and voting as much as he'd like and he's not into the current entertainment gossip and being silly as I'd like. But in the end we're both content about saving the world in our own ways and we have found a middle ground in porn.
It's as though we make the perfect absolute not perfect sense. It just clicks in a way that I can't quite explain.
And I don't want to get my hopes all high only for them to crash down later. I don't know what I want from him or from this or from anything for that matter. I do know though, that Joe is a good person and I do enjoy my time spent with him...for how long that'll be, I don't know.
And to say that I wouldn't be sad if it ended tomorrow would be a lie.
It's just...well this time around...this round, I'll say, was all weird. It seems as though when it's been a while since I last heard from him, I'll throw in the towel, only for him to pick it right back up for me.
It was his turn to email, so I didn't. I didn't call, instead I threw the ball in his court. He could talk to me when he had the time.
It had been months since we last talked. I had assumed that it had ended and that this thing was finally over. I had mixed feelings over it but I was fine.
A few days ago I get a phone call. Imagine my surprise when it's him. He was...hmm...not surprised or curious...but on the lines, that I didn't call or write. He had wondered why I didn't "call him out on his shit" as we say to one another.
To tell you the truth, I have no idea why I didn't say anything. It's not that I was over it...maybe I just didn't say anything because I didn't want to be the one to say anything. I guess I wanted to be the pursuee instead of the pursuer. For a change.
Now I guess we're Dharma and Greg instead of Joe and Kathleen.