Today in school I couldn’t stop thinking about Chad. Last night I thought I hurt him bad. It’s so easy to hurt the ones you love. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him, I love him too much to do that. Okay another thing that was on my mind today was pretty much the same thing I thought of last night... Crystal.

I know that Chad loves me and probably loves me more then her (or so I’m hoping), it’s just that… well I don’t know really. I mean this girl is so intimidating! I mean he was only in love with her for three years. I read his old diary and like everything somehow tied back to her. How can I compete with that? I swear I was so nervous when Chad told me she wanted to meet me. I didn’t know what to say. It’s almost like when the guy I used to like Andrew, when his girlfriend wanted to meet me. I was thinking, “Why the hell does this girl want to meet me? Just so she can sort of say ‘Oh look, I have what you want.’” I so wasn’t ready to meet her and was glad when I didn’t. I’m not saying I don’t want to meet Crystal (cause in a way I sort of do) it’s just that I’m afraid to meet her. Man I look at her pictures and I’m thinking, “Damn this girl is so pretty. Now what would Chad ever want with someone like me?” This girl has Chad’s heart, and I’m sure she knows it. I think another reason why I’m afraid to meet her is because he told me that she was a factor in Chad’s break up with that Tasha girl. And I’m not saying that Crystal is automatically going to break Chad and I up, it’s just that I can’t take any chances. I swear I would be so hurt if he ever left me for her, but I mean I would get over it… eventually. Oh I can’t even think of what I would do if he ever did that. He’s assured me that he wouldn’t but I mean that isn’t a guarantee. But then again there are no guarantees in life (if you ever saw that one Tom Green episode you’d understand). Man since when did loving someone hurt? Okay so Crystal is totally intimidating… sheesh man that sucks. It’s like no matter how much he tells me he loves me more then her, well no matter what I still can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be good enough to beat her or never good enough to have him. Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about? Chad loves me, and I love him, so I guess that’s what should matter most. I don’t know if I’m jealous of her or what… maybe, maybe not.

I read Chad’s yearbook dedication thing. I must have read it like 5 times. The whole last part was thanking Crystal and like that she’s the best thing that ever happened to him and that he loves her with all his heart and all this stuff. And I don’t know if it hurt or what, cause I mean if it did hurt that’d be pretty stupid cause he made that even before we began going out. So what if he loved her? So what if those words he wrote to her were the exact same words as he said to me? Don’t believe me eh? Well here’s his AIM info thing: pERdEdoR pRimERo: Melissa, you're the best thing that ever happened to me... 11-24-2K… Damn man this is true venting! Yeah well I kinda told him that already, how he tends to use some of the same words to describe me as he did his past loves. What the hell is my problem? I mean this whole Crystal thing is bugging me more then I let on it is. I wonder if he feels this way about Andrew? Well he shouldn’t cause Andrew isn’t half the guy that Chad is. And if I was with Andrew I probably wouldn’t be as happy as I am with Chad. Okay so no matter what happens I think that this Crystal being intimidated thing will be stuck in the back of my mind for a while, for how long I don’t know. Okay so in order to get over this thing I have to just keep in mind that I love Chad and Chad loves me. Speaking of Chad, I’m sure he may read this and if he does just know that yes your girlfriend is insane and yes she loves you!