Tonight I feel so lost. Chad called earlier, that was nice. Now it’s like 11:30 and I’m not talking to Chad, I swear this is the weirdest feeling ever. I miss him already, this is so weird. Every time I look at the rose he gave me yesterday I can’t help but think how damn sweet he is and how good he is to me. I deeply care for him, but I’m not sure if I like him as much as he likes me. He seems to like me a lot and I like him too. Tonight I was going to ask him, in the words of Brian McKnight, “Do I ever cross your mind anytime?” I was wondering whether or not during the day he ever thinks about. I know there are times in my day that I think about him. Especially now, whenever I see that rose, it’s so pretty. It’s sitting on the windowsill of our kitchen window, the light from the kitchen reflects off of it and really brings out the color. Every time I see that, I smile cause I can’t believe how sweet he is. Once I was talking to him and a few of his friends online and one of them, Cullen I think (or was it Will?), asked me like how I met Chad and I answered, “Luck I guess.” Which is true. I must be one lucky girl to be able to meet someone like him, and even luckier to have someone like him care about me in the way that he does. He still hasn’t asked me out yet, I wonder if he’s going to. Or yesterday when he stated mumbling word and was trying to get to it, if that was his way of asking me. I was going to bring that up with him tonight. Oh my gosh, what if he doesn’t want to ask me? Then what?! Oh boy, I have no idea, wait a minute does this mean I do like him? Sounds that way. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how I feel or who I’m feeling for. Good thing this diary thing accepts bitching and whining, cause trust in me, there will be a lot of that to go around. Okay, so I like Chad? I don’t’ know I care a lot about Chad, but I don’t really have the “He’s the One” feeling. I guess that’s good considering it’s too soon to find out crap like that. Well okay I care about him, does that necessarily mean I like him? I don’t know. I care about him, there. I guess that’s good enough until I find out how I feel. Okay I care bout him, but if I did like him, like if there was a scale on liking someone, on a scale of 1 to 10, I like Chad like not a 5 but not a ten either. Hmm maybe an 8 or a 7. Or even a 9. Damn even that doesn’t help me. I can’t even figure out if I like the guy or not! Geeze man what’s my problem? Tonight I couldn’t stop reading his diary entry he wrote about me like last week. Every time I read it I either want to cry or I do. I have never heard anyone speak of me in the way that he does. But I can’t help but think whether or not he’s true about all of this, I mean like some of the stuff he said about me I’ve heard him say it about other girls before. he wrote about revealing to me how he is like a mack and like I felt hurt. I wasn’t really heart broken, more hurt. In the beginning of when we were talking I had grown a fondness for him and when he told me that he never thought he had a chance with me so he macks with other girls, I felt so hurt. I felt almost like a statistic or a number. I felt that he didn’t really care about me as a person, to him I was only a number, another girl that he macked on. And that hurt. And I told him that I felt sick and suddenly he felt bad, he felt that he broke my heart, and I guess in a way he did. I mean I felt so lead on and only to be counted on as a number rather then a person. But we did talk things out and he realized he did mess up cause he did have a chance with me. now I think he still does, I only ask that he tries to not hurt me again in the future. Even though you can’t make a promise like that, I’m sure he’ll try.

Wow, long entry this time. Venting feels good. Still miss Chad though, didn’t help with that. But I did get to say a few things that I wanted to but didn’t have the guts to. I wonder, should I email this entry to Chad? Then maybe he’ll realize how much he hurt me, maybe not cause he’ll feel more bad then he did before and the last thing I would want to do is cause Chad pain. He’s always apologizing, and I don’t need him apologizing for something he already apologized for. Maybe in the future I'll put out some quotes or something, anyway this is Melon signing out…