This one time Joe and I were talking about infatuation favoritism. He explained it as people who go out of their way and do what the normally wouldn’t to do make the person they have feelings for happy.

And by people, we both knew he meant me.

Because I am a big fan of over analyzing, this is what I think has happened: everyone knows I have feelings for Joe, even Joe. The feelings that I have for him go over anything that he might have for me. These feelings, I have no idea what to do with them, how to handle them and in turn I end up doing stupid things like getting drunk just to get that much closer to telling him how I feel. Because I’m trying too hard, I have once again found myself in a situation with a guy who has no idea what to do with my feelings.

So now we’re at a standstill. We’re taking a break and what may result from this break I have no idea. I’m actually doing better than I thought I would, he only crosses my mind every now and then and I’m taking care of everything else that I have to.

He makes me psycho and I hate that. Under normal circumstances, I’d like to think I’m a calm, cool chick…not some obsessive, crazed alcoholic head case.

But he’s right with this infatuation favoritism. As it turns out whenever I want to stand my ground, I can’t. I gave him this power and whenever I try to take it back, I can’t – or I try but then I end up giving it right back.

Sometimes I think he gets off on having this “power” over me and then other times he gets all worried that I’m losing control of myself. I don’t get it. It’s as though his conscience has gotten the best of him and he feels bad for his influence on me.

It’s as though he’s a cult leader and right when he’s got me to completely give myself of this, he has second thoughts.

Maybe me being okay (and being more than okay, actually accepting and welcoming!) about this break, is that part of me that was lost, the part of me that’s trying to regain control of myself again.