It's still an adjustment to Jay Louis and I being in the same city again. I mean I love being able to see him more than for a few days every couple of months. However now, we're more of a "real" couple.

When we were doing the distance thing it was perfect when we were together. Those few days felt like a dream.

Now it's real. Now I get irritated by him and I fight off my urge to be clingy. As much as I have said I didn't want to be any version of "that girl," I can feel myself slipping into that role.

I'm trying to build a strong relationship because honestly, I think this is the real deal. In my heart I know I trust him, however I can feel this slight nag of -- something -- whenever someone places anything sort of resembling doubt.

I hate when I try to convince myself of otherwise when I know better. It's as if this relationship is so good and it's heading towards the direction that I want to, that somehow this is me digging deep down to mess things up. You know when I get to that phase where I push him away and say "All right, this is it, it's been fun, thanks"? I fear that I am headed towards that direction.

I think it might be a test. I think I am trying to push him away to see if he thinks I'm worth it enough to stick around.

Deep down I know that I have the potential to hurt him as much as he has the potential to hurt me. But what is that quote? About when you love someone you give them your heart and hope that they don't break it.

Something like that.